Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sanity (and common sense) Leads to World Peace- Imagine That
Ok, I am SO over being stressed about the maybe-cancer. I have to focus and stop feeling sorry for myself.
We have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I'll go to the orientation for Coosa and follow through with that. It's a good, solid career and will leave me with the free time to pursue my less monetarily rewarding dreams :)
There. Sanity reigns again.
Watching the stupidity of the Civil War helped, I think. It always somehow becomes the focus of history classes down here and that is so annoying to me. They just can't let it go! All human conflict is annoying because it all seems to stem from someone, or a group of someones, that can't admit that their ego is INSANE! They have to be better than someone else... I really feel that all people have this problem, including me. Look at how I freaked out over a B! Heaven forbid I not be the smartest person in the class (well, I still am- but now I can't prove it... pathetic of me to care and to think that!)
it;s just that other people's issues re their egos goes deeper and causes more conflict because they take their self worth from, as in the civil war, the belittling and dehumanizing of an entire group of people. They can't just feel better, they have to show it, believe it, live it and prove it. Not to compare it to the Holocaust, but you could! Both southern slavery and the Nazi regime were disgusting, dehumanizing and mercilessly cruel.
And they stemmed from the same source. Human ego needing to feel better than something else. No matter the cost.
Blame lack of education. Blame culture. It all comes down to this.
Even all this American Exceptionalism that my prof is so gungho to teach us. Who says Americans are better and have the best way of life? Why do we try to force is onto other countries? Our way is nice! FOR US! But they may like what they have already... we need to consider culture before we rush in and try to create little mini-Americas all over the world. Sure, rescue people form tyrants- that's great- but let the people's history and culture design their government. How hard is that to understand? Hard to DO, sure... it's not like I have all the answers here. I'm just thinking out loud :)
We have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I'll go to the orientation for Coosa and follow through with that. It's a good, solid career and will leave me with the free time to pursue my less monetarily rewarding dreams :)
There. Sanity reigns again.
Watching the stupidity of the Civil War helped, I think. It always somehow becomes the focus of history classes down here and that is so annoying to me. They just can't let it go! All human conflict is annoying because it all seems to stem from someone, or a group of someones, that can't admit that their ego is INSANE! They have to be better than someone else... I really feel that all people have this problem, including me. Look at how I freaked out over a B! Heaven forbid I not be the smartest person in the class (well, I still am- but now I can't prove it... pathetic of me to care and to think that!)
it;s just that other people's issues re their egos goes deeper and causes more conflict because they take their self worth from, as in the civil war, the belittling and dehumanizing of an entire group of people. They can't just feel better, they have to show it, believe it, live it and prove it. Not to compare it to the Holocaust, but you could! Both southern slavery and the Nazi regime were disgusting, dehumanizing and mercilessly cruel.
And they stemmed from the same source. Human ego needing to feel better than something else. No matter the cost.
Blame lack of education. Blame culture. It all comes down to this.
Even all this American Exceptionalism that my prof is so gungho to teach us. Who says Americans are better and have the best way of life? Why do we try to force is onto other countries? Our way is nice! FOR US! But they may like what they have already... we need to consider culture before we rush in and try to create little mini-Americas all over the world. Sure, rescue people form tyrants- that's great- but let the people's history and culture design their government. How hard is that to understand? Hard to DO, sure... it's not like I have all the answers here. I'm just thinking out loud :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
purpose
What am I doing? Can I really just waste three years training for a job I know nothing about and probably don't want? I don't know how to get to where I want to be. How can I when I'm not sure about what I want? I HATE not going for my bachelors, but what would I do with it?? Unless I change to Psychology and start nearly from scratch, no degree will get me where I want to be. And what if half way through that, I change my mind again? Not that I would, I've wanted this longer than anything else I've ever wanted. It just seemed like a silly dream, and there's no money in it, bc I'd probably spend half my time on charity cases. Or most of it, even. I just want to help people. And not by treating their cancer. I want to help people be better, live better and find LIFE.
But I can't even get my own life together. I've been too afraid. But realizing I may not even see next year is really making me rethink me. Not that I really think I have cancer, at worst I'm sure it's only precancerous...
I can't settle for a half-ass life. I don't want to waste it. I have a good brain and a heart that wants to help people. I need to DO something with that. Even if it's hard to get there and will take awhile to get there. I need to do this.
So I better see what I need to do to get that degree... and talk to blake... and pray.
There's something I haven't done in awhile. At least, not for myself. Except for short snippets of conversation with God, I'd pretty much given up on Him. Well, not on Him, but on Me and Him. I just feel so far and useless to Him... and Blake throws out the hardest questions... I can't justify God, I can't assume I know better than He does, and I can't explain why I've been able to feel at peace about those things that bother and confuse blake, beyond accepting that I AM NOT GOD and who am I to try to tell Him He's unfair? But bc Blake is not at peace about those things, it's really thrown me off. This world is hard, and full of evil and pain and ugliness and I don't know why the God I thought I knew can let it be so. I don't know. And it's making it so hard to face being taken from my boys. How can I trust that god to take care of them w/o me? I can't let them end up with their biological father. But How can I ask Blake to take on single parenthood? I can't. So how am I suppose to be calm and trust God to heal me, to not let this be cancer? He lets these things happen every day! Why should I be any different?
I don't God anymore. And I don't know me.
I do know that I want a degree in Psychology so I can be a counselor. I know I want to volunteer/work at charities like the women's shelter, crisis center and food pantries. I know I am happier than I have ever been, despite my inner turmoil. I know I love and am loved more than I deserve. I know its not fair of me to want to have a career that will change all our plans. I know that I need to do this. I'm not happy if I'm not helping. I know that this is the hardest thing I've ever done and I feel like an idiot for being 28 and still having such a directionless life.
I know I want to cut my hair. And I need to go take a shower. There. I've stopped crying. Hopefully I can be calm and rational when I talk to Blake about this... eventually. He's so stressed at work. I wish I could help him feel better, rather than always adding to his stress.
...
But I can't even get my own life together. I've been too afraid. But realizing I may not even see next year is really making me rethink me. Not that I really think I have cancer, at worst I'm sure it's only precancerous...
I can't settle for a half-ass life. I don't want to waste it. I have a good brain and a heart that wants to help people. I need to DO something with that. Even if it's hard to get there and will take awhile to get there. I need to do this.
So I better see what I need to do to get that degree... and talk to blake... and pray.
There's something I haven't done in awhile. At least, not for myself. Except for short snippets of conversation with God, I'd pretty much given up on Him. Well, not on Him, but on Me and Him. I just feel so far and useless to Him... and Blake throws out the hardest questions... I can't justify God, I can't assume I know better than He does, and I can't explain why I've been able to feel at peace about those things that bother and confuse blake, beyond accepting that I AM NOT GOD and who am I to try to tell Him He's unfair? But bc Blake is not at peace about those things, it's really thrown me off. This world is hard, and full of evil and pain and ugliness and I don't know why the God I thought I knew can let it be so. I don't know. And it's making it so hard to face being taken from my boys. How can I trust that god to take care of them w/o me? I can't let them end up with their biological father. But How can I ask Blake to take on single parenthood? I can't. So how am I suppose to be calm and trust God to heal me, to not let this be cancer? He lets these things happen every day! Why should I be any different?
I don't God anymore. And I don't know me.
I do know that I want a degree in Psychology so I can be a counselor. I know I want to volunteer/work at charities like the women's shelter, crisis center and food pantries. I know I am happier than I have ever been, despite my inner turmoil. I know I love and am loved more than I deserve. I know its not fair of me to want to have a career that will change all our plans. I know that I need to do this. I'm not happy if I'm not helping. I know that this is the hardest thing I've ever done and I feel like an idiot for being 28 and still having such a directionless life.
I know I want to cut my hair. And I need to go take a shower. There. I've stopped crying. Hopefully I can be calm and rational when I talk to Blake about this... eventually. He's so stressed at work. I wish I could help him feel better, rather than always adding to his stress.
...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
sick
I can't remember if I'm supposed to call the doctor if I get a fever... I feel awful. It's probably just allergies. I've been wanting to puke since the procedure, but I think that's just fear, not illness. I should take some benedryl and let myself pass out.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Birthday Blues
What is it about birthdays that make most people depressed? I don't care about age... I think I'm just forced to analyze myself and re-realize how boring I am. Everything I am interested in or find fascinating is bc of someone else being passionate about it...
Like, I just added a link to a blog about some guys brewing their own beer. bc it made me think of nate and blake and how they love doing that, too.
And I read one girl's blog who just finished college and is moving to Taiwan, and all I can think is "that could have been me if I'd just had the guts."
Not that I'd give up my boys or being with blake for anything in the world, but I feel like I stumbled into domestic life by letting myself be pushed along, first by parental pressure and expectation, and then by just sitting still and letting life happen, rather than making my own way. And so now that I am unafraid to live, I'm roped down by motherhood and all the resposibilities that go along with it.
Birthdays suck.
_____________________________________
And to really put life in perspective, my two year old just told me he had to go potty and when I pulled down his pants, poop fell out onto my hand.
Lovely.
Thanks.
And it looked like guacamole so now I can never eat guac again. I loved guac.
boo.
Not that I don't love being mommy (90% of the time!). There's nothing I love better than to hold my boys, look into their eyes and see this amazing person that came from me and needs me so much... and I need them, too
Like, I just added a link to a blog about some guys brewing their own beer. bc it made me think of nate and blake and how they love doing that, too.
And I read one girl's blog who just finished college and is moving to Taiwan, and all I can think is "that could have been me if I'd just had the guts."
Not that I'd give up my boys or being with blake for anything in the world, but I feel like I stumbled into domestic life by letting myself be pushed along, first by parental pressure and expectation, and then by just sitting still and letting life happen, rather than making my own way. And so now that I am unafraid to live, I'm roped down by motherhood and all the resposibilities that go along with it.
Birthdays suck.
_____________________________________
And to really put life in perspective, my two year old just told me he had to go potty and when I pulled down his pants, poop fell out onto my hand.
Lovely.
Thanks.
And it looked like guacamole so now I can never eat guac again. I loved guac.
boo.
Not that I don't love being mommy (90% of the time!). There's nothing I love better than to hold my boys, look into their eyes and see this amazing person that came from me and needs me so much... and I need them, too
Computer pouter
So I've been browsing through some blogs, trying to find some interesting ones to link/follow and I am just struck by how bland mine is- picture wise. HOW do you get the picture at the top?? I've looked and looked and can't find how!!
And now I am left feeling boring and inept.
poop.
And now I am left feeling boring and inept.
poop.
Too long
OK, so it's been forever and a year since I blogged. Theoretically this means life is perfect and i don't have to vent.
HA!
I've just been too busy/exhausted/busy
It's hard being a real grown up again, w/o my family to lean on. I definitely have less alone time, and what little I have is taken away from "alone w/ hubby time" in order to study... for the most boring class in the world. Not that I'm not learning interesting things- it's just that the detail and the memorizing thereof that gets to me. I like applying science, like in CHEM! This anatomy-physiology is killing me w/ tedious detail.
Anyway, I'll soon be full time housewife again for a good while as the radiation program doesn't start til April 2010, IF I get into that one... a B in this class my kill my chance. I dunno. The entrance process is turning me in circles. Hopefully the meeting in May will get everything jump started.
So , let's talk about something more interesting... oh, wait- I forgot, this is My life we're talking about, so there's no such thing. ANd that is why there has been no blogging. I could easily go on and on about pointless emotional ups and downs as my PMS throws me around, but eventually it is obvious that it is just emotional, made up drama stemming from insecurities from the past. Bc, frankly, I have the most wonderful husband in the world. Even as we speak, he is working overtime to allay my guilt at having to spend mega bucks on a medical procedure I have to have done on Monday. My insurance is absolutely minimum coverage, so this is out of pocket. boo.
I could sicken everyone now by going on and on about how wonderful B is, but I won't. Especially since now everyone will be wondering "what procedure"... nothing serious- just a biopsy. ok, may be that is kinda serious. Chances of cancer are slim, so chill out. :) anyway, we'll know soon enough and I'm done stressing about it. I don't have time to stress about maybe's. It already screwed me up on my last lab exam and I need to focus for this next exam, also on Monday, so if I'm not stressing, neither should anyone else. :) and I'm really only typing this bc I know everyone's given up reading my blog- it's been too long.
There's more going on, but I'm tired of telling. More later maybe.
HA!
I've just been too busy/exhausted/busy
It's hard being a real grown up again, w/o my family to lean on. I definitely have less alone time, and what little I have is taken away from "alone w/ hubby time" in order to study... for the most boring class in the world. Not that I'm not learning interesting things- it's just that the detail and the memorizing thereof that gets to me. I like applying science, like in CHEM! This anatomy-physiology is killing me w/ tedious detail.
Anyway, I'll soon be full time housewife again for a good while as the radiation program doesn't start til April 2010, IF I get into that one... a B in this class my kill my chance. I dunno. The entrance process is turning me in circles. Hopefully the meeting in May will get everything jump started.
So , let's talk about something more interesting... oh, wait- I forgot, this is My life we're talking about, so there's no such thing. ANd that is why there has been no blogging. I could easily go on and on about pointless emotional ups and downs as my PMS throws me around, but eventually it is obvious that it is just emotional, made up drama stemming from insecurities from the past. Bc, frankly, I have the most wonderful husband in the world. Even as we speak, he is working overtime to allay my guilt at having to spend mega bucks on a medical procedure I have to have done on Monday. My insurance is absolutely minimum coverage, so this is out of pocket. boo.
I could sicken everyone now by going on and on about how wonderful B is, but I won't. Especially since now everyone will be wondering "what procedure"... nothing serious- just a biopsy. ok, may be that is kinda serious. Chances of cancer are slim, so chill out. :) anyway, we'll know soon enough and I'm done stressing about it. I don't have time to stress about maybe's. It already screwed me up on my last lab exam and I need to focus for this next exam, also on Monday, so if I'm not stressing, neither should anyone else. :) and I'm really only typing this bc I know everyone's given up reading my blog- it's been too long.
There's more going on, but I'm tired of telling. More later maybe.
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